I want to take a break from the past few serious posts.
So I drew inspiration from one of the many inane lists I keep around the office.
For whatever reason, I enjoy passing the time between writing and running on spot news in the office by compiling lists of stupid things that I notice during my job.
One of those lists is all the different hold music for different organizations I've heard in the area.
For example, when I called the Pennsylvania Department of Community and Economic Development, their hold music was a children's xylophone version of "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik" by Mozart.
The latest list I've come up with stems from the fact that I've been left out of the company's email quarantine program. As a result, I get any and every robo-email sent my way. Some inquire whether I want to sell steel to Mr (insert unpronouncable name) of (unpronouncable company, faraway land that doesn't quite match the name or the company), while others follow the standard Nigerian prince model.
Ever since I covered a bridal expo in Pottstown I've gotten offers from a mail-order bride service in Eastern Europe somewhere about once every two weeks.
But my latest list concerns the endless spam (and probably malware-ridden) offers of medicinal or herbal or technique-based ways to sex people up.
Receiving offers for that kind of stuff is nothing new in the world of spam. What entertains me and what I keep in a list at my desk is the subject lines of these emails. Obviously composed in Google translate, they combine the finest mistranslations of sensuality and Mad Men-esque pitching.
Here they are, in all their glory, with some of my initial reactions to them.
- "Give your wife better nights of love."
- "Give to your girl happiness."
No BS, they are really leaving the gay market untapped.
- "Attack her for days."
I literally, out loud, said "Ah!" in terror at this one.
- "Don't bury your loving life."
This one could go two ways. It could be about not giving up on your sex life. Or someone is genuinely trying to keep you from burying your wife alive but needs to learn that spell check doesn't solve all problems.
- "Unbelieveable recharging on male healthiness."
According to these emails, constant banging cures any and every ailment...which I subscribe to whole-heartedly.
- "Feel the bottomless enjoyment tonight."
This was another yelp in terror moment.
- "Enlarge your gun."
Believe it or not, for a second, I wondered if this was actually related to trading in for an upgrade on your firearm, like how you get a refresh with your phone plan periodically. You know.
- "No pauses this night."
- "Keep your lady gentrified."
This might be my favorite.
- "I desire you to stay vigorous."
So do I.
- "How differ your nights from each over?"
This one feels less like a Google translate problem and more of someone unable to hide their Cockney accent even in print.
Suddenly, these emails have gone from an annoyance for which I have to mash the "Delete" key to a daily competition for the best.
Really, I'm just turning lemons into lemonade that tries to steal my money by promising me sex with broken English.